I have been a Buddhist and practicing meditator for over 20 years now. More than half of my life here in Missoula. For much of that time, the metta sutta and metta-bhavana (cultivation of loving-kindness) have been at or near the heart of my practice.
Other practices, such as mindfulness of breathing, can be a wonderful adjunct to this central practice. For you, or other meditators, mindfulness might be the central practice. Then you can look at loving-kindness as the add-on.
Sometimes I can lose track of loving-kindness as an anchor in my life. When doing social justice work, for instance, and seeing so many people let down by various institutions in our country. Or in simply reading the news of yet another mass-shooting. Along with the feelings of surprise and fear, I feel anger toward politicians who continually pass the buck on policies that can help.
It’s easy, in such circumstances, to lose sight of the need to care. We need to care for the victims of every atrocity. This much is easy. But we can also reach out with some care for people in power and even for perpetrators.
In doing so, we practice a kind of radical inclusivity in our practice that opens our hearts and eases some of our internal tensions. For some meditators, this is known as creating an “upward spiral” of connection and care.
The spiral moves up as we actively offer kindness in our daily lives. We can do this with our neighbors and friends. We can do it at the grocery store, offering a bit more kindess to the clerk than we would ordinarily. And we can toward people we disagree with. In doing so, we seek a common ground rather than demanding that others cede to our exact point of view. Paradoxically, this can do much more to bring others toward our understanding of things than attempting brute force.
The Buddhist teaching on loving-kindness says:
This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech,
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied,
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
This is one of those great teachings that is easy enough to comprehend, but so difficult that it could take a lifetime of practice to embody.
Against the Stream
Here, we see why Buddhism is sometimes said to offer a teaching that goes against the stream. While many people around us fall into tribes of likes and dislikes, often becoming incredibly unkind to one-another, this practice reminds us that all beings seek happiness and, at least on that level, share a common ground. The us-vs-them rhetoric is a powerful stream in our society and easy to go with.
Showing care for people on the other side of major debates goes against this stream. This isn’t to say we simply give up or agree with them. In fact, this might be the best way to connect with them just a tiny bit to perhaps see their truths and to share yours. It might not move either of you, but it can reinforce the shared humanity of each of you.
Our Social Psychology of Empathy
Jamil Zaki, a Stanford psychologist and author of “The War For Kindness: Building Empathy in a Fractured World” argues that we evolved to be more empathic. But, he worries, our current society might be acting to rip us apart.
This is precisely because we have become so polarized. Some of this is due to our huge populations. Many of us live in cities and never see the same faces on our commutes, let alone get to know our neighbors. Other people move too often, for a variety of reasons, to develop relationships with those around them. Others spend a majority of their time online in increasingly narrow and specific groups.
Nonetheless Zaki is optimistic. He says that empathy is both hard-wired in us and something we can learn. It is up to us to continue to learn this valuable trait, even if our society is pulling us away from it. So, just as the Buddha’s teaching of mindfulness and loving-kindness was seen as against the stream of his culture, an engaged practice of building our own empathy, day by day, will be against the stream of our own culture.
Humility as an Unsung Hero
Both Zaki and another great thinker, neuro-philosopher Patricia Churchland, point to humility as a key underlying trait for people developing empathy. When we think we’re better than everyone else, or at least better than “those” people, it’s incredibly difficult to have empathy for them.
Humility is key to so much of our growth and development in life. The great Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki taught his students to always have “beginners mind” because in the beginners mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few. The expert simply looks down on others, often failing to realize that his or her own ideas might be wrong.
The expert who thinks they could easily run a marathon never will, because it takes humility to actually suffer through the weeks of painful training. The person who thinks they know more than the actual experts will never bother to do the hard work of truly become one.
And of course, the person who has gained expertise can either close up and become out of touch. Or they can remain a learner, still questioning and growing.
Justin Whitaker, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Buddhist ethics from the University of London. He has given lectures, and taught Buddhist studies and Philosophy at Oxford University, the University of Hong Kong, the University of Montana, and at Antioch University’s intensive study-abroad program in India. A certified meditation teacher, he is a regular contributor to Patheos.com, and Senior Correspondent for Buddhistdoor Global. Justin is the official blog writer for Sunflower Counseling MT in Missoula, Butte, Kalispell, Billings, and surrounding areas. He lives in Missoula with his family.