One of the side-effects of a regular mindfulness practice is that “stuff” comes up. Distant memories, as vivid as if they had just happened, can play out in the mind’s eye during a period of meditation. And the feelings that accompany them, too, can be strikingly powerful. For some meditators, without strong dedication to their practice and guidance, this can be overwhelming. Many people will quit meditation at the first sign of such memories and feelings.
But sinking in and allowing these past experiences to bubble up can be incredibly rewarding. Allowing them to resurface means getting a new opportunity to approach and resolve them in healthy ways.
In my own mindfulness practice, the most difficult experiences are of betrayal. Betrayal might actually be too strong a work. I prefer “deep irritation” but it’s the kind of deep and persistent irritation that has left me to more or less give up on some people.
From resistance to acceptance
In meditation I often find myself revisiting these irritations and my own responses to them. Often, there was a bit of push-back on my part. This, in turn, hardened the other person’s stance. At some point we hurt one another’s feelings. Perhaps one or both of us tried to make amends, but this didn’t stick. Emotionally, and perhaps even physically, I became rigid and left the situation.
This is my habit in difficult circumstances. I try to listen, connect, and solve the issue at hand, but when this fails, as it does at times, I withdraw. Others engage more aggressively or hang out in a neutral space.
Recognizing this, I can allow past memories to arise and with them the feelings, physical and emotional, of the difficult situation. Sometimes I see that I stiffened up around a mistake I was making. Sometimes I grew irritated with my friend.
Almost always, I can see that my energy levels were low. This little insight helps. I realize that in arguments, sometimes it’s not me or the other person that needs to change anything fundamental. I just need (or needed) more energy to work with the difficulty at hand.
Realizing this, I can almost sense a loosening of the irritation. With that comes a letting go of my own rigid stance and an acceptance that my friend’s attitude may not have been as rigid as I thought either. Suddenly, things soften. Perhaps my friend has already let go and moved into this space of acceptance. Now I can too and together we move forward.
The joy of forgiveness
The journalist Megan Feldman Bettencourt wrote a wonderful book, Triumph of the Heart: Forgiveness in an Unforgiving World, in which she tells us that refusing to forgive eats away at both our mental and physical health. When we don’t forgive, we release stress response chemicals each time we think of those difficult moments in our past.
On the other hand, practicing forgiveness has been found to have a range of positive health benefits. It can help relieve persistent depression and can lower our blood pressure. Acts of forgiveness can range from those moments of betrayal (or deep irritation) from friends to encounters with strangers and even horrible atrocities such as war crimes.
The goal is not to be soft of repeat offenders or to be the proverbial door mat. One can forgive and still keep healthy boundaries. In fact, through mindful examination of my own irritations and periods of unforgiveness, I’ve seen more clearly the habit patterns of both myself and those around me.
Now I know some of my good friends just need space at times or someone to listen to them. In the past, my eagerness to help triggered defensiveness in them, which triggered defensiveness in me and the spiral of irritation, tensing, and withdrawal. And I know not to get too drawn into arguments myself, especially when I’m tired and less capable of being present with the other person.
All of this brings joy. Joy at learning about myself and others. Joy at letting go of past disputes. Joy at moving forward with less baggage.
Recognizing persistent conflict
One of the greatest insights I have had over the years working with mindfulness and forgiveness is seeing the connection with forgiving oneself and others. When I have been in periods of intense stress and self-scrutiny, I have found it most difficult to allow and accept others. My rigid approach to myself became a rigid approach to the world.
Similarly, I have known several people locked in to patterns of persistent conflict. Often, these people have appeared kind and care-free on the outside, but with time they revealed that they were highly judgmental of others around them. Then, almost without fail, they revealed to me that they were also deeply depressed and judgmental of themselves.
This cycle can be broken with forgiveness at either side. One can start by working on forgiving oneself, accepting where they are in life, and finding joy and beauty in what they offer the world. Or one can work on forgiving past transgressors, accepting that everyone has flaws and is trying their best and often failing.
With either approach, a softening occurs, one is able to breathe a bit more deeply, and the present moment itself feels more alive with possibility. As with so much, this is a skill and practice that takes time. So many of us run away from conflict and difficult emotions. As mentioned, many people run away from meditation too as it brings up these feelings. But, with baby steps of forgiveness and acceptance, both meditation and life can become much richer and more joyful.
Justin Whitaker, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Buddhist ethics from the University of London. He has given lectures, and taught Buddhist studies and Philosophy at Oxford University, the University of Hong Kong, the University of Montana, and at Antioch University’s intensive study-abroad program in India. A certified meditation teacher, he is a regular contributor to Patheos.com, and Senior Correspondent for Buddhistdoor Global. He lives in Missoula with his family.