While I am not a child-development expert or a wildly successful parent of 6 brilliant and charming children, I do find that my wife and I are doing pretty okay with our one toddler-aged kiddo. !
Some of the success comes from family and friends. We are learning from our parents as they re-use techniques that worked for us when we were young. We are learning from our local Missoula friends who have gone before us and those who are following behind. It really does take a village to raise a child, and when we have setbacks or just aren’t sure how to handle something, we are grateful for the resources—human and otherwise—around us.
Mindful Parenting: Being Like Water
I’ve written previously about the Daoist philosophy, often attributed to Bruce Lee by Americans, “Be like water.” The idea is to have a flow, but also a great amount of flexibility. I’ve learned this in my 20 years as a graduate student and then early-career academic and then in my current work. But nothing has driven home the need to “be like water” like having a toddler.
Nearly every day we make some brilliant plan, from simply going to a nearby park to altering our kiddo’s diet. And nearly every day our toddler throws a wrench in those plans. However, wrenches are removable. Often, what I find is that what appears to be an obstacle is just a delay.
Toddlers and Impulse Control
As our child has grown from infant to toddler, she has moved from bright-eyed and adorable to truly her own person. Of course, she’s still bright-eyed and adorable, but now there is simply so much more to her. She is talking and walking and interacting with other kids. She is making decisions—many that delight us and some that leave us scratching our head.
In her new book, Brain-Body Parenting (Harper Wave 2022), the child psychologist Mona Delahooke leads us into the sometimes murky realm of what has come to be known as “Gentle Parenting.” The idea behind the practice is to see a child’s tantrums and difficulties as a reflection of the chaos of physical and mental development in a complex and challenging world. So we see a toddler having a fit not as a manipulative little jerk (who could ever!?) but rather as a small person going through a momentarily very tough time. Hence the call to be gentle.
To a large extent, this has been our strategy. Mind you, it helps to have breaks and good sleep and healthy food and all of the supports mentioned above. My wife and I are most likely to be jerks ourselves when we’re sleep-deprived and overwhelmed. But when we’re doing okay, we can gently work with the many impulses of our child.
Three Ways to Move Forward: Force, Authority, and Explanation
An example of our “gentle parenting” in action came up yesterday afternoon. My wife was exhausted from some overnight wake-ups, so I took the kiddo to the local hardware store. Like most kids, she was awestruck by all of the stuff and loved asking questions, narrating the experience, and holding various (safe and non-breakable) goods.
As we packed up the car, I opened her door for her to get into her car-seat. She has begun to insist on getting in and out by herself, which is some work, but she clearly takes joy in the accomplishment. But this time she climbed into the driver’s seat and insisted on driving. So I got in the passenger’s side and told her that she can’t drive now because she’s too small to see out the windshield. I told her maybe we’d go to a quiet dirt road some time and she could sit in my lap for a slow drive and steer the car.
Then she nodded and hopped into the back seat, but not her car seat. She insisted on sitting next to it. So I explained that she can’s sit there either, because if we crash she could get a big owie. Thinking about it a bit, she decided to hop into her own seat, where I buckled her in.
As I explained the reasons for her not being able to ride in the other seats, it occurred to me that I could have just used authoritarian reasoning, saying “I say no!” or “the police say no!” But as I thought of those responses, it occurred to me that they were just an opening to an inquisitive kid to ask, “why?” And the real reason for child safety seats and driving rules is “safety.” So I just jumped to the final explanation. And it worked.
And it occurred to me that if I was exhausted or in a major hurry, I might have felt the need to skip words altogether and just use force. That, I think, would have been the least helpful way to get my kiddo to do what I wanted. On the extremely rare occasions that I have had to result to force (for example, picking her up when she refused to cross the road holding my hand), the ensuing power struggle was difficult for both of us.
Luckily, kids forgive quickly, and learn just as fast. There is still some trepidation in crossing roads with my toddler, knowing that she might pull away or just lie down at any time. But she knows it’s a time to be careful and that is learning to follow our cues when we’re out and about.
There is still much for us to learn as parents. But the ability to flow with the creative and sometimes difficult impulses of a toddler is a practice of mindfulness in its own right.
Justin Whitaker, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Buddhist ethics from the University of London. He has given lectures, and taught Buddhist studies and Philosophy at Oxford University, the University of Hong Kong, the University of Montana, and at Antioch University’s intensive study-abroad program in India. A certified meditation teacher, he is a regular contributor to Patheos.com, and Senior Correspondent for Buddhistdoor Global. He lives in Missoula with his family.