Let’s face it, finding love is hard. And finding the “right person” can be even harder.
For years, I searched high and low for someone to share my life with. And yes, these were before the days of Tinder. This meant I actually had to approach “the girl” in a coffee shop or in a library or in a bar. Thank god I was one of the lucky ones, who has an extroverted personality. I’m also attractive. Which means, for me, it should have been easy, right?
It was freaking impossible!
No matter how many people I dated, something always seemed to be off. And then when I wasn’t dating someone, I felt so miserable and lonely in Missoula’s cold winters. I don’t know if I was built to be alone for months on end. Luckily, I had my music to keep me company.
Taking Responsibility
Anyway, after dating person after person and having it not work – I realized the problem wasn’t with them, it was with me. I appeared to be dating the “same type” of person. These people were extremely charismatic and pretty. But under the surface things weren’t exactly all they seemed to be.
For example, one person I dated who I had always wanted to date wound up being “possessed by demons”. This is not a joke! Plus, she had quite the arsenal of pharmaceutical drugs in her kitchen drawer. Enough to put down a small elephant, I would imagine.
“Honey, what are these doing here?” I remember asking late one night.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?” she asked.
“Just looking for the Ritz crackers?”
She explained I wasn’t allowed in there. And the pharmaceutical factory was there to help her pain or something.
The point is – I took responsibility. This was my fault for dating “broken” people. And as such, for me to keep doing that, meant on some level that I must have been broken, too! (But don’t worry, it’s nothing some bubble gum and super glue can’t fix!)
Thus, it was my fault, too. So I needed to become the kind of person who could attract the kind of person I was looking for. And that’s exactly what I did. Okay, here I come, books, and working out by myself. Here I come, cleaning all by myself. Here I come, studying Spanish.
So today, I’m going to share with you how I found the love of my life and how you can, too.
The LIST
It all started with a list. One day, I just sat down and wrote out who I wanted – my ideal relationship. Here’s what I wrote:
WHO I WANT TO ATTRACT
She is healthy
FUN
She sings
Is not addicted to drugs or alcohol
Is into physical exercise
She has long brown hair
She’s pretty
She plays an instrument like cello or guitar
Is emotionally healthy
Not crazy “serious” energy but she can still “go there”
A reader
Stable
Young enough to have kids
A GREAT sense of humor
Has a great laugh
Super playful
A standup comedian she’s that funny
Someone who would be a great mom (just in case)
Okay, great, I thought, clapping my hands.
I didn’t just stop there, though.
I also wrote down who I wasn’t looking for.
WHO I AM NOT LOOKING FOR
Someone who is possessed by demons
Someone who is on drugs
Someone who doesn’t read
Someone who doesn’t exercise
A narcissist
Someone who sleeps around
Someone who is unable to have a relationship
Someone who has a major eating disorder and it’s out of control
Someone who has a gambling addiction
Someone who dresses in Goth clothing with “The Cure” makeup (some exceptions may apply)
Again, this list was everything from “not possessed by demons” to “not on drugs.” I was determined to find the right person, and I knew I needed to be really clear about what I wanted and what I didn’t want.
But that wasn’t enough. I also wrote down the kind of person I needed to become in order to attract that person into my life.
WHO I NEED TO BECOME IN ORDER TO ATTRACT THE RIGHT PERSON INTO MY LIFE
I need to quit smoking cigarettes
Join the gym
Join a yoga class
Go to the library more
Take some interesting classes at the university
I had to quit smoking weed even on occasion
I had to quit drinking even on occasion
I had to clean up my bedroom
I had to clean my car
In other words, I had to become more than I was. I had to change some things.
GETTING OUT THERE
After that, it was just a matter of dating. And let me tell you, it was an exhausting rollercoaster! I was constantly rewriting my list, trying to figure out what I really wanted and what I didn’t want. But slowly, I began to realize that I was getting closer and closer to finding the right person.
And then something interesting happened. I started to pray. Now, I’m not saying that’s what did it. But I do think that focusing my energy on what I really wanted and putting it out into the universe helped me to bring the ideal person into my life. I’m just saying – shortly after that major prayer session, she was there, and I knew she was the one.
She was dating someone else. This made it extremely difficult. But a friend of mine said, “All the good ones are already taken. This means you have to take her away from who she is with.”
So I just held on, kind of like Jim Halpert and Pam Beesley. This takes a high level of emotional intelligence, let me tell you. Because you have to be super strong. And you want to break everything because the woman you want is with another guy (to say the least holy crap!).
So while I was pursuing her, I totally kept dating. Dating other people in the meantime helped me to “not care” as much. And I was able to stay focused on the person I wanted until that day she said, “I broke up with him.”
So who did I want? I wanted someone who played an instrument, who was healthy, emotionally intelligent, a reader, and physically active. I wanted someone who was young enough to have kids and who was fun to be around. And who did I not want? Someone on drugs or a narcissist. And who did I have to become? I had to become a guy who had positive habits, like going to the gym every day, reading, and genuinely enjoying and loving my life. So I had to really enjoy hanging out with me, even during those lonely, miserable winter days!
Take Action!
Again: finding the love of your life is hard. But it’s not impossible. But you have to take action! And not just in finding the right person, but in becoming the kind of person who can attract the right person.
It’s a lot like mining for gold. And you’re going to have to get your hands in the dirt.
By writing out a clear list of what you want and what you don’t want, and by figuring out who you need to become to attract that person into your life, you can increase your chances of finding the kind of love you’re looking for. And who knows, maybe one day you’ll be writing a blog post just like this one, sharing your own story of how you found the love of your life.
If you have a hard time getting your hands in the dirt, then I would recommend to get a therapist. Or even if you don’t have trouble with meeting new people! This is because people nowadays are looking for emotionally healthy partners. And while going out into the dating scene, single people are actually looking for cues of health in their partner. There is an entire vernacular that a person learns about in relationships that is one of the side benefits that comes from seeing a therapist. Just knowing what words like “gaslighting”, “narcissism”, and “projecting” go a long ways.
So working on yourself will help you to start taking baby steps to become the type of person who will attract the person you want into your life.
You got this.
John Michaels, a Missoula native and author, has been captivating readers with his writing for years. A graduate of Brown University’s esteemed creative writing program, Michaels has spent the majority of his career crafting stories that resonate with his readers and capture the essence of the human experience. Despite the demands of raising children, Michaels has continued to pursue his passions, finding solace in the bustling downtown Missoula scene. There, he spends his free time honing his craft, whether it be working on screenplays, playing music, or dedicating himself to his work at Sunflower Counseling, MT.
