OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is a complex and challenging condition, characterized by repetitive, intrusive, and often distressing thoughts and compulsive behaviors that are difficult to control. And I know this well!
For me, as a young boy, the Christmas mornings of my youth were marked by a peculiar excess, a bottomless pit of gluttony that left me feeling confused and overwhelmed. We would gather around the breakfast table, a smorgasbord of eggs, bacon, and pancakes, only to stuff ourselves to the point of bursting. And yet, as soon as the plates were cleared, the preparations for the next feast would begin.
It wasn’t until much later in life that I came to understand the driving force behind these excessive meals: my mother’s addiction to food. A coping mechanism, a way of finding comfort and control in a world that seemed out of reach. The compulsive need to consume, to fill the void that could not be filled by anything else.
And so, the Christmas mornings of my youth took on a new meaning, a bittersweet reminder of the ways in which we cope with the world around us.
Anxiety
At the core of OCD lies anxiety. The individual feels anxious about certain situations, objects, or thoughts, and tries to reduce the anxiety through compulsive behaviors or rituals. One common manifestation of OCD, and in my Mom’s case, was food addiction. People with OCD often struggle with compulsive eating, binge eating, or other food-related behaviors that are driven by anxiety.
Triggers
And in a way, isn’t Christmas an anxious time?
For many people, Christmas is a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness. It’s a time to relax, indulge in delicious food, and exchange gifts with loved ones. However, for others, Christmas can be a source of anxiety and stress, and a time when intrusive thoughts and obsessive-compulsive behaviors can become more pronounced.
There are many reasons why Christmas can be an anxious time. For some, the pressure to create the perfect holiday experience can be overwhelming. This might include decorating the house, preparing a big meal, and finding the perfect gifts for everyone on your list. The financial strain of the holiday season can also be a source of stress, as many people feel pressure to spend more money than they can afford.
In addition, Christmas can be a time when old wounds and family tensions are brought to the surface. For some, spending time with family can be a trigger for intrusive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. They may feel pressure to perform certain rituals or behaviors in order to alleviate their anxiety, or may find themselves triggered by family members who do not understand or validate their experiences.
Years later
As I entered middle age, I found myself confronted with a new challenge: intrusive thoughts related to food cravings. It started innocuously enough, with the discovery of some delectable vegan muffins at the local food store. I told myself they were healthy, and soon found myself indulging in them more and more frequently.
But then, something strange happened. I stumbled upon a watermelon soda that had no sugar, and when I paired it with the muffins, a heightened sensation overtook me. The combination became an obsession, and my thoughts became increasingly intrusive and difficult to control. I found myself questioning why I was so drawn to these foods, and why they had such power over me.
Recreating Our Childhood
For my mother, food was a comfort, a solace in a world that often left her feeling small and insignificant. It was a way of finding control, of creating a sense of order in a life that often felt chaotic and unpredictable.
But as I grew older, I began to see the ways in which her addiction to food had taken its toll on her self-worth. She would often berate herself for her lack of willpower, for her inability to resist the lure of a sweet treat or a salty snack. She saw herself as weak, as flawed, as a failure way too often. And not pretty enough! Thoughts which were ingrained into her from her mother, who was right out of Snow White. And she probably got it from her mother and so on and so on.
And yet, despite these feelings of inadequacy, she continued to turn to food for comfort. And she couldn’t turn off the mind-loops. Not without help. It was a vicious cycle, a never-ending loop of addiction and shame.
Intrusive thoughts related to food can be a challenge to manage, particularly if they are tied to memories or emotions from childhood. For me, the connection to food was deeply rooted in my upbringing, too. And because I love my childhood, and want to go back to home, I feel like it was a difficult pattern to break. But I knew that these thoughts did not define me, and that I had the power to regain control.
It helps that nowadays therapy is more socially accepted!
Mindful eating
One strategy that can be helpful is to practice mindful eating. This involves paying attention to your body’s hunger and fullness cues, and tuning in to the sensations you experience while eating. By being more present and intentional with your food choices, you can reduce the likelihood of intrusive thoughts taking hold.
I actually created a food diary. Like a crazy person, I hang it next to the mirror. But, this is how I don’t forget to do it! I don’t do it everyday. I only do it on the days where I notice a certain amount of binging that is unhealthy. Right? Because this isn’t just muffins. If I get rid of the muffins then it will be something else. But if I have it written down, if I have it documented, then I can take it in to my therapist and discuss it later on.
Intrusive thoughts
These intrusive thoughts can be difficult to manage.
And we’re not just talking about foods – these thoughts can be about anything that won’t let up. Some common themes include:
- Contamination: Fear of germs or contamination, and the need to clean or sanitize excessively.
- Harm: Fear of causing harm to oneself or others, either intentionally or accidentally.
- Symmetry and order: Obsession with symmetry, order, and precise arrangement of objects or tasks.
- Taboo thoughts: Intrusive thoughts about sex, violence, or other taboo topics that are distressing or disturbing.
- Checking: Compulsive checking behaviors to ensure that doors are locked, appliances are turned off, or other potential sources of harm are secured.
- Perfectionism: Extreme need for perfectionism in one’s work, appearance, or other areas of life.
These are just a few examples of the many types of intrusive thoughts and OCD behaviors that individuals can experience. It’s important to note that everyone’s experience is unique, and that intrusive thoughts can take many different forms depending on the individual’s life experiences.
Intrusive thoughts can take many forms and can be triggered by a variety of experiences. For some individuals, these thoughts can be related to food and eating habits, particularly if they grew up in an environment where food was a source of comfort or stress.
So just that we get it clear: intrusive thoughts are unwanted, involuntary thoughts or images that come to mind and are often distressing or disturbing. People with OCD can experience a range of intrusive thoughts, such as fears of contamination, harm to themselves or others, or taboo sexual thoughts.
These thoughts can be extremely distressing and can lead to avoidance behaviors or compulsive rituals aimed at reducing the anxiety caused by the thoughts. For example, someone with OCD may feel compelled to wash their hands repeatedly to reduce the anxiety caused by fears of contamination.
Therapy and my Muffin Obsession
Through therapy and self-reflection, I developed strategies to manage my intrusive thoughts around food. I practiced mindfulness, paying attention to my body’s hunger and fullness cues, and being present and intentional with my food choices. I sought support from loved ones and from a therapist, who helped me to identify the underlying causes of my food cravings and develop new coping strategies.
By the way, if it’s not muffins, it’s something else. And it always jumps back and forth. It’s just how my mind works. I like to obsess apparently. And so I just have to find healthy obsessions.
While the journey was not easy, I can now say that I have regained a modicum of control over my intrusive thoughts related to food. It’s not perfect. But it’s not totally destroying my life. And it’s a process! Baby steps – a little bit here, a little bit there. And I know that if I ever find myself struggling again, I have the tools and support to overcome these challenges and live a happy, healthier life.
OCD and intrusive thoughts can be extremely distressing, but there is hope for those struggling with this condition. With the right treatment and support, individuals with OCD can learn to manage their symptoms and live fulfilling lives. It is important to seek help from a qualified mental health professional if you are struggling with OCD or intrusive thoughts, and remember that you are not alone.
John Michaels, a Missoula native and author, has been captivating readers with his writing for years. A graduate of Brown University’s esteemed creative writing program, Michaels has spent the majority of his career crafting stories that resonate with his readers and capture the essence of the human experience. Despite the demands of raising children, Michaels has continued to pursue his passions, finding solace in the bustling downtown Missoula scene. There, he spends his free time honing his craft, whether it be working on screenplays, playing music, or dedicating himself to his work at Sunflower Counseling, MT.