Seeing as this is a blog in the realm of Missoula therapists, I write a lot about slowing down, savoring, meditating, and letting go of our busy lives. Mostly I write as a reminder to myself to do this. Usually, I do this when I find myself muttering quietly about how busy I am. This happened again this week.
After a few good weeks coasting on a well-balanced schedule, I found myself muttering “busy, busy, busy” to myself as my wife and I were getting ready for bed. It was almost subconscious, because when she asked if I was feeling overly-busy, I had to think for a minute before answering, “why yes, I am!”
Dialing down
Luckily, I’ve been able to dial back some of my tasks and get a few more done. I’ve also worked hard on saying, “no.” I don’t think of myself as a “people pleaser,” but I do sometimes find myself saying “yes” almost out of instinct when people ask for my time. Quite often, this isn’t a big deal, as I work from home and manage to keep my circle of friends and colleagues comfortably small.
But I have had to consciously dial back some co-socializing with my wife. She is a bit more gregarious than me and has a larger circle of friends. So our rate of hanging out with her friends often squeezes out time I’d like to spend with mine.
I’ve found that saying “no” can be quite difficult. However, once I do, I usually feel a great weight lifted from my shoulders. I’ve given myself the gift of a little extra time. The more I do this, the easier it gets.
And for decades, researchers have known this is a difficult gift to give ourselves. Back then, Researchers Gal Zauberman, Ph.D., and John Lynch, Jr., found that we tend to wrongly expect a surplus of time in the days ahead. We seem to see our days in wide, 16-hour periods that are free until we fill them. In reality, each day gets filled with countless small—but not insignificant—tasks, making our truly “free” time much much smaller.
Sometimes we even double-book ourselves or get so busy with our schedule that we completely forget plans we’ve made. This can lead to others losing trust in us as well as difficulty in our jobs or relationships. Even if things don’t get that bad, we can find ourselves running around like crazy as our emotional (and sometimes even physical) health deteriorates.
Opening up Space
By dialing back, we open more space for things that might arise spontaneously and really fulfill us: a phone call with a friend or family member, a sunset walk along the river, or picking up that great book you’ve been wanting to dedicate some time to.
As Susan Avery Stewart Ph.D. so eloquently writes:
. . . slowing down lowers stress and blood pressure, enhances decision making and other cognitive functions, and restores emotional equilibrium. In allowing ourselves to experience the present – rather than rushing toward the future – we become more attentive to what is happening around and within us, and to savor it: to taste the apple we are eating, to be moved by the music we are hearing, or to enjoy the glee of children as they climb trees or wade through puddles after a rain shower. Even so-called ordinary moments become extraordinary when we move slowly enough to notice and savor them.
How true! How wonderfully very, very true.
In our lives, we have a finite number of seconds, minutes, and hours. How many of them will we fill with being busy, going fast, and missing the “extraordinary” all around us? Granted, we must do our schoolwork when young and our jobs when older, but we must be careful not to get used to the feeling of being a mere student or worker. We have the capacity for deep and wonderful inner states of joy and wonder, curiosity and amazement, and so much more.
Doing the hard work
Now that we’ve been reminded of the great joy that can come with slowing down, we need to do the work to make it happen. We can’t just do it. If we do, we’ll wind up missing the meeting on our schedule or the dinner gathering.
We need to begin doing the work of saying “no.”
As difficult as this is in relationships, it can be even more difficult, perhaps impossible, in workspaces. But if our bosses understand the first and second parts of Dr. Stewart’s quote above, it might not be so difficult. Good managers want healthy workers. And even more so, they want workers who make good decisions. Packing our schedules so tight that we cannot even think clearly is a recipe for an unhappy, unproductive workforce.
The good news is that all of this saying no almost certainly will lead so some new and exciting “yeses.” As you slow down and your health improves, your overall energy will increase. As your decision making and other cognitive functions expand, you’ll find yourself having spontaneous insights and ideas that you’ll be excited to share with friends and colleagues.
Many of the most successful people out there have spent a good amount of time focusing on this difficult work. And it is difficult when we first start doing it. But when we think of the benefits that can accrue, it becomes obvious that it is work well worth doing.
Justin Whitaker, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Buddhist ethics from the University of London. He has given lectures, and taught Buddhist studies and Philosophy at Oxford University, the University of Hong Kong, the University of Montana, and at Antioch University’s intensive study-abroad program in India. A certified meditation teacher, he is a regular contributor to Patheos.com, and Senior Correspondent for Buddhistdoor Global. Justin is the official blog writer for Sunflower Counseling MT in Missoula, Butte, Kalispell, Billings, and surrounding areas. He lives in Missoula with his family.