National Public Radio (NPR) published a story recently about “The 5-minute daily playtime ritual that can get your kids to listen better.” As a father of a three-year-old toddler, the advice resonated with me. In a way, it is part of what my wife and I have been doing all along.
The idea that what we’re doing is ensuring that our kiddo listens to us—which she does pretty well most of the time—is just icing on the cake.
The advice is rather simple: five minutes of letting the child decide what to do. This engages the child’s imagination and develops a closer bond between you and the kiddo. As children grow, they become more independent. Especially around the age of two, they develop preferences around activities that they would like to partake in.
Helicopter Parenting
Unfortunately, over the last 20 or so years, parents have felt pushed to direct children more and more. Those of us who grew up in the 80s and 90s have been a bit dismayed by this. I was raised on a dirt road far from the city and I can remember venturing far out of site of my parents’ house at even five or six years of age. A group of us kids could venture far from anyone’s house, riding our bicycles on dirt backroads and through the sagebrush. We just knew that at a certain time we had to be home for dinner.
But the generation after mine, perhaps those raised by people who had their formative years in the 1970s and 80s, were more and more closely watched and pressured to succeed. Afterschool sports went from fun and healthy activities to items on a child’s growing CV. Volunteering and community service went from being a place for moral development to fodder for elite college entrance essays.
When I went to India in 2010 as an instructor for a study-abroad program, my father warned me to give the students all As. I was perplexed. Apparently, he had just heard a long story on the radio about students’ parents giving college instructors a hard time when they didn’t earn high grades.
The rise of helicopter parenting has led to a lot of new problems. Young people need freedom when they are growing. They need to make mistakes. They need support, yes. But not intense pressure and control. In a 2010 study, college students with helicopter parents tended to be less open to new ideas and activities and felt more vulnerable, anxious, and self-conscious. In a way, their self-esteem was reliant on others and their abilities to live as autonomous beings in society was cut short.
Starting Young with Play
As children begin to express independence, we can foster it two ways. The first of these is outlined in the NPR story. It suggests five minutes a day of simply sitting and joining in whatever activity your kid is up to. If they’re flipping through books, you can join with them. If they ask you to read one to them, do so. If they switch to blocks or other toys, simply place yourself near them. If they’re happy to be alone in the activity, you can just observe. But if they invite you to build, join.
This kind of activity was identified in the 1970s as “special time” and incorporated into parent-child interaction therapies. Since then, studies have shown that it can serve to reduce and alleviate a number of emotional and behavioral difficulties. Beyond this, it has been shown to increase both attention spans and social skills for children across the board.
P.R.I.D.E.
A way to remember the activities that best help children is using the acronym “PRIDE.”
First, praise your child. Do it in specific ways like, “you’re doing a great job counting!” or “I like that house that you built.” Generic phrases like, “good job” can get lost, as they are so common. You can also model good manners by saying things like, “thank you for putting those all away so well.”
Next, reflect or repeat your child. My kiddo demands this at times. She’ll tell a story and we’ll say things like, “oh” or “wow” or similar cues that adults will recognize. But she will repeat herself until we repeat her words, showing that we are indeed listening and interested. So I’ll remember to say, “oh, you had pretzels at lunch” after my child tells me she had pretzels at lunch, and so on.
“I” is for imitate. This is where we simply join in beside them in what is known as parallel play. Let them watch if they want or give you instructions. This again lets them know that they are heard. In this stage of development, it can be both wonderful and scary to become more of an individual. Imitating your child shows them directly that what they are doing is okay and encourages more unique ideas and play.
Next, describing what your child is doing is a way of giving feedback and developing connection with your child. If you’re playing with blocks, you an narrate the colors they are using. Over the months it has taken us to teach our child to be very gentle with our cat, we’ve often praised her for her, “good petting, good gentle.”
And lastly, E for enthusiasm! This can be hard to muster in our very jaded world. But I find that a little empathy, putting myself in my 2-3 year-old’s shoes, helps a lot. If she has never built a tower of blocks more than a foot tall, I gush with awe and wonder when she does. When she counted on her own to nine, my jaw legitimately dropped. Whenever she puts on her own boots or carefully winds her arms up the sleeves in her shirts on her own, a big, “wow, you put on your boots!” or “nice job getting your arms through!” helps reinforce her action and our connection.
Justin Whitaker, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Buddhist ethics from the University of London. He has given lectures, and taught Buddhist studies and Philosophy at Oxford University, the University of Hong Kong, the University of Montana, and at Antioch University’s intensive study-abroad program in India. A certified meditation teacher, he is a regular contributor to Patheos.com, and Senior Correspondent for Buddhistdoor Global. Justin is the official blog writer for Sunflower Counseling MT in Missoula, Butte, Kalispell, Billings, and surrounding areas. He lives in Missoula with his family.
