Understanding “Gaslighting” – Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year for 2022
This week, Merriam-Webster chose “gaslighting” as its word of the year. The purpose of the word of the year selection is to educate the public on a word that has played a particular role in society over the last 365 days. Sometimes the word is new, like “blog” in 2004, a combination of “web” and “log” that had become popular that year. Other times, the word is old but finding new life, such as “pandemic,” which was chosen in 2020.
For 2022, it is “gaslighting.” This is defined as, “A psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.“ (Merriam-Webster)
For some people, the term will seem new. But it traces its roots to a 1944 movie by that name starring Ingrid Bergmann. In the movie, Bergmann’s character falls for a handsome man who begins to play with her sense of reality. In particular, he manipulates the house’s gas lights and makes noise in rooms around her. As she cries out and seeks to find the culprit, the maid assures her that no one is in the house. When the maid is in the room, the noises disappear and the lights are steady. Then, when the maid leaves, the sounds and lighting changes occur again. All of this convinces Bergmann’s character that she is losing her mind.
How gaslighting happens today
Most commonly, gaslighting happens in intimate relationships. Someone usually needs to be close to you to manipulate you in these ways. You need to trust them. Robin Stern, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, describes what she calls the “Gaslight Tango:”
The process of gaslighting happens in stages, although the stages are not always linear and do overlap at times, they reflect very different emotional and psychological states of mind.
The first stage is disbelief: when the first sign of gaslighting occurs. You think of the gaslighting interaction as a strange behavior or an anomalous moment. During this first stage, things happen between you and your partner, or your boss, friend, family member, that seem odd to you.
Then you defend yourself. You explain what you experienced and your certainty about it. But the gaslighter doesn’t relent. They are invested, after all, in a totally different reality, one in which you are in the wrong. If you remain close to this person, you can eventually fall into the stage of depression. You’re emotionally exhausted and lose your sense of joy in life. You feel cut off from friends and family.
If you’re not lucky, at this point you might spiral down. The gaslighter, who is themselves probably not in the best mental state, is controlling your life and sense of reality. Deep down, you know they are wrong and you know your experiences are real. But you’re exhausted and may find it easier to simply trust them and doubt your reality.
Social gaslighting
Under the Trump administration, Americans and the world got a dose of gaslighting on a global scale. While it’s fair to say that politicians, like the rest of us, lie sometimes, Trump brought it to a whole new level. Many psychologists and others even wrote articles about his lies and the fact that he was gaslighting the public. I even wrote one in 2017, when National Public Radio (NPR) commentators stammered over calling one of his biggest lies a lie (he claimed to have a huge crowd at his inauguration, while photos and first-person accounts show mostly empty seats).
NPR had trouble calling it a lie because they couldn’t say for sure that he intended to lie. So they could just say that his statement was not in line with the facts. So instead of saying this was another example of a lie by a politician, this one easy to prove, they were second-guessing themselves and even the reality of the term “lie” itself.
Knowledge is power
In Dr. Stern’s article on gaslighting, she reminds us that the good news to all of this is that knowledge is power. Once you recognize what is happening, you have the ability to take control in one way or another. Realizing that the other person is likely to fight hard to maintain their sense of reality, you might need to simply walk away.
If you’re committed to staying in the relationship, you might try building up ties to people who affirm your sense of truth and reality. This can include family, friends, and even a therapist or counselor.
Merriam-Webster has done a service to us all by bringing attention to this important term. But, as they say, it is not just them bringing it up. The dictionary’s editors say that the term has been looked up 1000% more over the last year than in previous years. Despite it being around for half a century and already making the rounds in some circles a few years ago, the public is catching on.
In many ways, we’re discovering that the “reality” we grew up with is filled with problems such as structural racism, sexism, and more. But in questioning that reality, we have to be careful not to assume that “anything goes.” If we lose track of common realities with others around us, we might fall down a rabbit hole of gaslighting. Then we’ll have to do the hard work of coming back.
Justin Whitaker, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Buddhist ethics from the University of London. He has given lectures, and taught Buddhist studies and Philosophy at Oxford University, the University of Hong Kong, the University of Montana, and at Antioch University’s intensive study-abroad program in India. A certified meditation teacher, he is a regular contributor to Patheos.com, and Senior Correspondent for Buddhistdoor Global. Justin is the official blog writer for Sunflower Counseling MT in Missoula, Butte, Kalispell, Billings, and surrounding areas. He lives in Missoula with his family.