Just the other day, I ran into an old friend of mine, Sheila. Our friendship had been on a long pause, stretching back years before the Covid era. The incident that caused our rift was rather mundane – it took place in a Target store. Having forgotten my wallet, I borrowed 5 dollars from Sheila for a trinket that had caught my eye.
I thanked her and promised to repay her. Our history goes way back to our college days in Missoula where we both studied poetry. We were dorm mates, shared brief romance even, before agreeing that we were better off as friends.
I had planned on repaying Sheila the next time we bumped into each other, a frequent occurrence in our close-knit circles. But unexpectedly, Sheila reached out to my wife, expressing frustration over the unpaid debt. From my perspective, this seemed excessively blown out of proportion.
I drove over to her place and returned her money, but our exchange was cold and fraught with tension. She insinuated that I didn’t value money the same way she did. And when she said, “I guess some people have different ideas of what money means. Some people just don’t know the value of money.” I retorted, “Yeah, to me it’s only 5 dollars. I’m not going to flip out on somebody over 5 bucks.”
Because she didn’t say sorry, and seemed to insinuate that I didn’t work for my money like she did, and because she went after my wife on the phone, I decided to end our friendship right then and there. So when I saw her about the town I gave a fake smile and just kept walking when she tried to talk to me.
Years Later
Cut to years later, I found myself crossing paths with Sheila again. There she was, sitting in the restaurant at JB’s. Literally years upon years had passed. What the hell, I thought, and went over to her table. It’s been years.
I made the choice to forgive her, to mend our friendship. I approached her the way we used to interact, in our quirky way, and she laughed. “Can I sit down?” I asked. That was my way of checking if she was okay with my presence. And she totally was!
I apologized for ignoring her all these years and told her that no amount of money should be reason enough to end a friendship as long-standing as ours. She agreed. It felt wonderful to reconnect.
She made the insightful thought that she talked too forcefully with my wife. And that, maybe we weren’t as “stable” back then, when we were first dating. So it would be natural to “dump” someone if they weren’t considered respectful.
I laughed at this. Right or wrong, it didn’t matter.
Lately, I’ve been doing this a lot – repairing old bridges. Looking back, I realize that when Sheila and I had our fallout, the world was in a very different place. Trump was president, people were fighting over Covid. There was a general sense of conflict as people broke into “tribes”, and it was hard not to internalize it. (It just seems like if we, as people, turn on our TV’s or whatever and there are people fighting constantly, that this communication style might transpose in one key or another from our subconsciouses to our consciouses.)
I explained to Sheila, “Back then, it seemed like I was a lot more sensitive. A lot has happened since then.” She nodded in agreement. Patching things up, one person at a time, has brought a certain peace in my life.
Forgiveness
Understanding and practicing forgiveness is a crucial aspect of mental and emotional well-being. Here are the key steps in this journey:
- Acknowledge the Hurt: The first step to forgiveness is recognizing the pain and hurt you’ve experienced. Suppressing or ignoring these emotions will only serve as a barrier to healing. Understand that it’s okay to feel hurt and that acknowledging it is the first step towards healing. It’s important to make an appointment on some level to let the other person decide if they even want to take the journey with you. It can be super-little. Notice, how even the act of saying “Can I sit down?” with Sheila counted as an instant appointment. Really make sure to listen to the other person! And let them get it all out! Also don’t go in there with a crazy wild energy if they are really calm. Meet them halfway with their energy. And, really validate what they say if you want to build a connection.
- Empathize with the Other Person: Try to understand the situation from the other person’s perspective. What could have motivated them to act the way they did? This doesn’t mean justifying their actions, but trying to understand them can often alleviate the intensity of negative feelings. Make sure to let listen, and to let them speak! And go over what they said until they feel comfortable.
- Accept the Past: The past cannot be altered. Accepting this fact is a critical step in the process of forgiveness. Holding onto past grievances only hinders our progress and prevents us from moving forward. Keep going over and over what they are saying until they get it all out. Make sure to validate what they say, and to empathize by repeating back to them what you are hearing!
- Express Your Feelings: When THEY are ready, communicate your feelings to the person who has wronged you. This can provide closure, even if the other person doesn’t respond in the way you hope. You can always help guide them by saying things like, “What do you think I was feeling?”
- Let Go of Resentment: Holding onto resentment is like carrying a heavy weight. It only slows you down and prevents you from experiencing peace and happiness. Make a conscious effort to let go of these negative feelings.
- Reframe the Experience: View the situation as an opportunity for personal growth and understanding. What lessons have you learned from it? How has it made you stronger or more compassionate?
- Make the Decision to Forgive: Forgiveness is a choice. It’s a decision you make for your own peace of mind and happiness. Remember, forgiving someone doesn’t mean you forget what happened or that you have to rekindle the relationship. It simply means you’ve decided to let go of the bitterness and move on.
- What if they don’t play along: They might not get these concepts of forgiveness and empathy. And if they cannot meet you halfway, my recommendation is to say “Good seeing you” and to exit stage left. What if Sheila was like, “It was all your fault for being stupid?” Then, I would have said, “You’re so funny, same old Sheila,” and walked away. Have you heard that song “Still the same” by Bob Seger? This would be a good time to play this song if she had reacted this way. But she didn’t, luckily! And now, we are friends again. Not as close, but I’ll say hello when I see her and we’ll both get a smile.
- Seek Professional Help if Needed: If you’re finding it hard to forgive, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Therapists can provide guidance and tools to help you navigate through your feelings and towards the path of forgiveness.
You can still maintain distance.
I’m not saying to forgive everyone around you. Or even to let down your walls.
But some people maybe aren’t so bad. And maybe, they deserve a second chance after a lot of time has passed.
With this said – there are certain people – like extreme narcissist psychopaths – who are supposed to be avoided. People who can only see their own point of view, and who bring nothing but pain into your lives. I will write on this topic in our next blog just to paint a picture of who it is best to steer clear of, for example.
Remember, forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. It may take time and patience, but the emotional freedom and peace it brings are well worth it.
John Michaels, a Missoula native and author, has been captivating readers with his writing for years. A graduate of Brown University’s esteemed creative writing program, Michaels has spent the majority of his career crafting stories that resonate with his readers and capture the essence of the human experience. Despite the demands of raising children, Michaels has continued to pursue his passions, finding solace in the bustling downtown Missoula scene. There, he spends his free time honing his craft, whether it be working on short stories, playing music, or dedicating himself to his work at Sunflower Counseling, MT.