When I was a Missoula undergraduate student in philosophy at the University of Montana some 20 years ago, I attended a Buddhism event led by the late Alan Sponberg, then the professor of Buddhism at UM. He invited us all to summarize Buddhism in just three words as a sort of exercise. “Hmmm, I thought, how about: Buddha, Dharma, Sangha.” These, of course, are the “three refuges” of Buddhism. It is said that a Buddhist is anyone who pledges to take refuge in these: the founder of the religion, the teachings he offered, and the community of fellow followers.
I thought I had done well and Dr. Sponberg was pleased. But his answer was far better. His summary of Buddhism in three words was: “Just Let Go.”
What is Letting Go? Psychological Perspectives
Letting go more than just detachment. Its essence lies in freeing ourselves from the burdens that hinder our growth and inner peace.
Whether we release the remnants of a haunting relationship, shatter the illusions of an idealized life, defy societal expectations, or reconcile with a poignant childhood, letting go bestows upon us the freedom from resentment and the liberation from pain. All of these are key psychological steps for us to live more fully in the present. In Buddhist practice, one is taught to go further, to uproot the habit of craving altogether.
In the quest for personal freedom, we often find ourselves struggling with the first step—how to initiate the process of letting go. The unfolding of life, accepting its imperfections, relinquishing the grip on an unmanifested future, and making peace with an unreconciled past can appear elusive. Despite yearning for tranquility and recognizing letting go as a means to attain it, we tightly clutch onto ideas, dreams, grievances, and pain that obstruct our path to the desired serenity. So why do we struggle? Why does the act of letting go often evade us?
A Buddhist Take on Letting Go
These burdens struggles are what Buddhists call taṇhā or thirsting or craving. The Buddhist perspective sheds light on the intricacies of this struggle, emphasizing that letting go is a gradual process that demands patience and self-awareness.
Ilene Strauss Cohen Ph.D., a psychotherapist who teaches at Barry University, noted the words of the great Buddhist teacher Ajahn Chah. He taught that choosing not to let go is akin to carrying a heavy rock, burdening ourselves unnecessarily. While others may illuminate the benefits of discarding this weight, our fear of release binds us. We become so accustomed to its presence that it fuses into our identity, gradually sapping our vitality until we can bear it no longer. Only then, upon finally unburdening ourselves, do we recognize the physical and mental weight of the load we carried. Letting go, then, becomes an invitation to peace, a liberation from unresolved emotional turmoil.
An invitation to peace. Doesn’t that sound nice? And yet, when it comes to many of our burdens, we instead choose to carry them on and on.
Strength of Letting Go
Letting go is not a mark of weakness but a testament to our strength. As humans, we have evolved to be predisposed to avoid danger and those who have proven untrustworthy. We internalize negative experiences to safeguard against their recurrence. Consequently, forgiving those who have harmed us or releasing the grip on traumatic events runs contrary to our evolutionary instincts. Yet, many of our instincts just don’t work in our modern world. Instead, they bind us within the confines of suffering. Thus, it becomes imperative to choose a different path—the path of letting go.
Buddhism teaches us that mindfulness serves as a cornerstone in the process of letting go. As we cultivate mindfulness, we become more aware of our thoughts, emotions, and reactions to life’s challenges and the individuals we encounter. It is the gift of consciousness, intentionality, and wisdom.
With heightened mindfulness, we gain the ability to observe our internal landscape, make wise and compassionate decisions, and respond to circumstances in a manner that aligns with our values and aspirations. Without mindfulness, we drift through life, allowing situations to dictate our actions, rendering us passive participants in our own existence. Feeling trapped within our circumstances, the act of letting go and experiencing personal freedom becomes all the more arduous. By nurturing self-awareness, we take ownership of our lives, release the shackles of blame, and embrace accountability for our well-being.
Accepting Growth
Contrary to popular misconception, letting go does not erase the past or absolve the wrongdoings of others. It acknowledges the reality of what transpired, accepting its presence without futile resistance. Life’s greatest lessons often emerge from our trials, as they reveal the depth of our resilience and our capacity for growth. When we reframe our perspective, perceiving challenges as opportunities for personal development rather than mere constraints, we breathe new life into the narrative that once weighed us down.
Over the last 20 or so years, I’ve had to let go of a lot of things: people, relationships, career goals, friends, and more. If I hadn’t let go, I certainly wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have been able to grow, take risks, and accept new challenges. When I find myself holding to a grudge or unhealthy habit, it often helps to think of the joy that can arise on the other side of letting go. That in itself makes taking the first steps so much easier.
Justin Whitaker, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Buddhist ethics from the University of London. He has given lectures, and taught Buddhist studies and Philosophy at Oxford University, the University of Hong Kong, the University of Montana, and at Antioch University’s intensive study-abroad program in India. A certified meditation teacher, he is a regular contributor to Patheos.com, and Senior Correspondent for Buddhistdoor Global. Justin is the official blog writer for Sunflower Counseling MT in Missoula, Butte, Kalispell, Billings, and surrounding areas. He lives in Missoula with his family.
