My Panic Attack Story

I guess I thought I was immune to the world of panic attacks!

I’m a very outgoing guy, and kind of scared of nothing. When people ask me what I’m scared of, I’ll usually say, “Great white sharks, tornadoes, and Kevin Spacey.”

This is because Kevin Spacey appears to have fused to his character in “The House of Cards”. Which is fine. It’s just that that guy was totally crazy.

Anyway, so yesterday. One of my best friends called me up. We hadn’t talked in awhile because of the pandemic. And she’s like, “A few of my friends have passed away lately.” Now this, of course, I don’t like to hear. Who likes to hear this?

Because I’m one of her friends. But you know. You let it go.

“One had a heart attack, one had an aneurysm. And one got hit by a car,” she said.

“Okay,” I said. “Thank you for telling me. I’ll watch out.”

Later in the day I turned on Youtube. I watched William Shatner. He got on Jeff Bezos’s rocket a couple days ago. And it was awesome. Flew into space. And when he came back down, he talked about life “out there”.

He basically said “out there” is “death” and here on Earth, is “life”.

“Everything is so fragile,” he said.

That kept me up thinking about it. And we all know this. But for some reason he was just so poetic that the words hit me harder than usual. And so I found myself thinking about death all of a sudden.

Just the idea of the darkness, like he said. Out there.

CHAPTER 2

Meanwhile, I have high blood pressure. It’s a little bit too high. And so I’ve been monitoring it everyday. And I just read that if your blood pressure is like, above 180 and 110, then you’re supposed to go to the ER. Because this could lead to a heart attack or a stroke.

Fair enough.

So I’m measuring my blood pressure when I see it’s higher than usual. It’s like 142/94. Grade 1 hypertension.

That’s cool, I think. Let’s go do some breathing exercises. So I go and do some breathing exercises in my reading room to lower my blood pressure.

I have a resonance breathing app. And a “Respirate”. Then I even take a nap. And I’m feeling great.

I think I’m going to play with the kids, but then I’m like, let’s check the blood pressure again.

I sit on my chair and pull up my blood pressure reader and my app.

The machine whirrs. I look down at it.

And this time it’s 150/106. Okay that’s getting up there. Now I’m getting a touch nervous. Why is it so high today? Especially after a nap. Shouldn’t it go down after a nap?

15 minutes later I check it again. Now it’s 179/108.

And I basically freak out inside. Freaking out doesn’t help. The pressure’s already way too high. And now I’m panicking and suddenly scared I’m going to have a heart attack or a stroke. What if it keeps going up?

I remember some of my friends who were my age who had strokes. And how they had to limp around and they just weren’t themselves anymore.

I’m actually dizzy. My heart is pounding. And I literally think I’m going to die. So this is how it ends, goes through my mind. Wow my friend really called it. Was that a message from the other side?

Wait. Come one, you’re surrounded by counselors. You’re engaging in “catastrophic thinking”.

On the other hand, my blood pressure is through the roof.

So I’m getting tunnel vision and my heart actually hurts. I can feel it through the rib cage. My heart has never hurt before! That’s a new sensation! And I can feel it beating!

Oh great. Time to go the emergency room. Just do it.

So I got in the car. This of course happened after I told my wife, “Hey not to scare you or anything but my blood pressure is above 180 I’m sure by now. Which is bad. So I love you. And goodbye it was great.”

“Don’t say that,” she said. “You’re going to be okay.”

“You know, if we just made more salads at the house this wouldn’t be happening. But no, you insist on getting burritos everyday.”

She just stared at me.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“It’s okay, you’re scared.”

I kissed my kids like it was the last time I was going to kiss them. Just in case. Why was my blood pressure so high? Did something break?

CHAPTER 3

Luckily, this event coincided with my therapist meeting. This is not a joke!

And we do online.

“Hi Jen,” I said. I was driving in the car. “You’re on speaker phone. Over the car speakers.”

“Great! Well what would you like to talk about today?”

“Well you’re not going to believe this. I think I’m having a heart attack or stroke. And I’m driving to the ER.”

“Okay,” she said. “I’m so sorry to hear that. Just keep me on the line.”

“Okay.”

“The important thing is that you breathe. Most people forget to breathe when they go through stress.”

The traffic was taking forever. I was stuck behind some guy.

“I’m actually really freaked out,” I said. “My blood pressure is usually normal. And today it’s through the roof. Like stroke levels.”

“I’m actually really freaked out.”

Next thing I know, I’m at the hospital.

I told this information to the woman behind the counter, at Community Medical. She was kind of short with me. I had to sign the admittance papers and she was running a bunch of laws by me. She was really terse and kind of not that nice. And I let her know.

“My blood pressure is above 180 right now,” I said. “And you’re not helping.”

I could see that she wasn’t used to someone being quite so transparent.

Then I apologized. “I’m sorry I’m not usually like this. I love you, but I can’t understand what you’re saying right now. I’m freaked out and afraid I’m going to die.”

She actually really liked that I said, “I love you”. I couldn’t believe I said it myself.

And then she said, “If it makes you feel any better, we see people in here who have blood pressure above 200 sometimes.”

“That’s 20 points away! What, I’m not the best?” I said back.

And she laughed, and we kind of bonded. And she apologized for being short with me.

“I love you.” I couldn’t believe I said it myself.

Then, I went in to go see the nurse. She couldn’t believe who I was.

“Mr. Heffelfinger!” she said. “Any relation to Sandy?”

“That was my mom,” I said.

“I had your mom in the 5^th grade,” she said. “She was the best teacher I think I ever had. She stuck with me. I’ve talked about her through the years.”

The nurse said this as she took my blood.

“Your mom had an invention unit, and a handicapped unit where you would go through a simulation of what it was like to be blind. And we had to wear the blind-mask over our eyes all day. And one of the other kids would lead us around. It was amazing.”

But I could barely hear her. Although it was soothing.

When she left, Jen, my therapist, who was actually still on the line the entire time, said, “Wasn’t that amazing? Look, I think your mom is watching over you! I mean, what are the odds that one of her students is here to take care of you?”

And I could feel the tears well up in my eyes.

Soon the doctor came in. He was young and funny. And kind of cool. He said, “The blood tests came back. Everything is normal. The EKG is normal. It looks like you’re having a panic attack.”

“What?” I said. “A panic attack?”

This struck me as incredulous. Un-believable. I don’t get panic attacks.

“Yeah we don’t know why your blood pressure shot up today. But if you look at the general pattern, your blood pressure is quite a bit lower a few days ago,” he explained. “What you never want to do is to take more than one reading in a day. Because every time it is high, then you look at it again, and it just gets higher.”

“Okay,” I said. “Wow. Thank you.”

I just couldn’t believe it.

“It looks like you’re having a panic attack.”

I had fabricated this. It was all in my mind.

“I think your mom was here to help you,” Jen said over the phone. “And she did.”

“Thanks,” I said. “I want to tell you thanks for going through this with me.”

I thought about all the people I knew in my life who had been through hard times. Those who had heart attacks and actual real strokes. I thought about just how terrifying that is.

And that one day, just like Captain Kirk said, when we will all break through the blue covering of the planet earth and look into the stars. And apparently out there, it’s all blackness.

Maybe this was a rehearsal for that one day, I thought.

God it felt good to go out to the car. And to know that nothing’s wrong.

I went to go swing by the store. Time for some burritos.

CHAPTER 4

Later that night, at the end of the night, I called my Dad. He had been calling.

“Are you okay?” he said.

“Yeah,” I said. “My blood pressure was really high, though.”

“Okay, well you gotta go to the doctor to talk to them about this. And just relax. No need to panic. Just relax.”

I found this really funny. Yes just relax. It’s all in my head.

“Okay, Dad,” I said. “Thanks for saying that. I’ll buy some incense sticks. And join a yoga class.”

I had fabricated this. It was all in my mind.

I remembered how I had thanked my counselor for getting me through this. It was a big deal that we went through this together.

And I never understood panic attacks before, until now. They come out of nowhere. And it just felt like I was going to die.

And apparently, I’m not beyond having a panic attack! The guy who’s only afraid of Kevin Spacey.

I had had panic attacks before, when I was younger. In my 20’s. I had them like 3 times a day. But this one was different. This was a different flavor of panic attack.

This one felt more like William Shatner staring into space at the edge of endless blackness.

My wife hugged me when I came home and I even cried a little bit. I was so happy to have a second shot at life. I looked at the kids, and said, “I’m going to play with you!”

CHAPTER 5

Later that night, it came back. My heart was just beating really fast. And I couldn’t sleep. But the fact that I knew what it was – that it was just a panic attack – made things alright.

In fact, it was kind of fun. I was reminded of my friend, Larry, who said that, “When you’re in a plane, and it’s coming down, that’s my favorite part. Or, when there’s lots of turbulence, I just love it. Bouncing around.”

“You do?”

“I love it.”