Restoring our mental balance is a necessary exercise. Sometimes we can coast for days or weeks in a generally good state of mind. Other times, everything feels like chaos.
Whether we are enjoying a period of serenity or surfing some very choppy mind-waves, learning some quick skills for restoring inner balance is a great way to improve our mental health.
Like any skill, these won’t be too easy. Nor will they necessarily work the first time or every time. But by slowly developing these “equanimity muscles,” we can be ready when they are needed. These skills also help us savor the good moments as they rise and inevitably fall away.
Be Gentle, Take Time
This phrase would make a great mantra during meditation. Breathing in, think, “be gentle.” Breathing out, think, “take time.” Cultivating inner peace is not something that can happen immediately. And it’s not something you can force. It takes finesse and patience. Going into the process with an open and patient mindset will make getting started easier and it will help when setbacks occur.
When I was in college, one of the required classes I took was “public speaking.”
I don’t remember why it was required. I think my university had a “performance” requirement, believing it was important for all of us to be able to present publicly. In hindsight, I am very grateful.
But at the time I was incredibly anxious, shy, and introverted. Back then, around 2000, the term “introvert” wasn’t well known. The term dates back to Carl Jung, though it didn’t really take off as part of our popular understanding of ourselves and others until more recently. One book that helped immensely was Susan Cain’s “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking,” published in 2012.
As an introvert at age 20, I much preferred periods of silence and deep thought. But things like public speaking are necessary in our world today. Cains book explores what created this busy and noisy world and how we introverts can not just survive, but thrive in it.
When I first took the public speaking class, I came in with a lot of fear, but also a sense that I had to somehow be good at it. When it quickly became clear that I was not going to be good, my anxiety went into overdrive and I dropped the class.
I managed to return a year later, with more moderated expectations, and did just fine. I probably only earned a “B” in the class. It wasn’t the “A” I was hoping for, but that was fine. Letting my expectations for myself drop a bit allowed me to be myself and to get through the class.
Be kind to yourself
Perhaps this isn’t true for everyone, but somewhere along the line I internalized the idea that I had to be great at most things that I did. I’m not sure how this happened. In elementary school, I played soccer and was never all that great. “It’s not winning that matters, it’s how you play the game,” I remember my dad saying. In middle school I played basketball and almost never scored a basket. I also ran track and field and never won an event. But when I excelled in some academic areas, it felt like that was where I needed to concentrate, because that was where I could be really great.
Now that I’m middle-aged and comfortably in a career, I can say with at least a bit of confidence that we don’t need to be great. We should do things well. And we should ask for help and be honest about our short-comings. But we don’t need to be great. In much of our lives, being proficient, a solid “B,” is more than enough.
Old dogs can learn new tricks
As you’re working to bring more calm into your life, realize that your effort might be like that needed to turn a giant cruise ship. They can’t turn on a dime. But with steady effort, they can gradually change course.
At no time in our life are we done changing. Certain things do tend to get a bit fixed: our height (it’s only going down slowly after our 20s), our hair color (maybe it’ll go gray or white, maybe not), and our eyes are pretty steady after we become adults. Many aspects of our personality will stay with us as well. But Other things can change.
When I was 26, I was hired to teach the “Intro to Buddhism” class at The University of Montana, filling in for the regular professor who was out on leave. I was thrilled. I only had a masters degree, but I had sat through the class 3 times as a grader, so I knew the material well. I also had, by that time, gotten over a lot of my shyness and concern about public speaking. It still exhausted me (as far as I know, we can’t change being an introvert or extrovert), and I wasn’t super great at it (I had a teacher/mentor sit in on one class and offer me some helpful tips), but did it without fear or excessive anxiety.
Now, about 15 years later, I am taking up some new hobbies such as woodworking and building. Neither is particularly easy. It can be frustrating when a 5-minute job ends up taking me 30 because I’m so new to every step. And yet, I’ve started with an attitude of openness and curiosity about what I can do. Perfection hasn’t been a goal on anything I’ve done. And slowly but surely, I’m getting better at these new skills just as I did with public speaking many years ago. If you start now with a patient and gentle attitude in cultivating inner calm, you’ll gradually make progress too.
Justin Whitaker, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Buddhist ethics from the University of London. He has given lectures, and taught Buddhist studies and Philosophy at Oxford University, the University of Hong Kong, the University of Montana, and at Antioch University’s intensive study-abroad program in India. A certified meditation teacher, he is a regular contributor to Patheos.com, and Senior Correspondent for Buddhistdoor Global. Justin is the official blog writer for Sunflower Counseling MT in Missoula, Butte, Kalispell, Billings, and surrounding areas. He lives in Missoula with his family.