What is Trauma Bonding?
Do you find yourself getting attached to people who mistreat you? Do you keep going back to relationships that are unhealthy for you? If so, you may be experiencing something called “trauma bonding.”
But what is trauma bonding?
Simply put, trauma bonding is when we form an emotional attachment to someone who is harmful to us. This can happen for a variety of reasons, but typically it’s because we’ve experienced some sort of trauma with that person.
Trauma Bonds
When people think of bonding, they often think of the emotional connection between mother and child, or the bond between partners in a romantic relationship. However, there is another type of bond that can be just as powerful, and that is the bond that forms between a person and their abuser. This type of bond is known as a trauma bond.
Trauma bonds are formed when someone experiences repeated trauma, such as abuse or neglect. The bond is created as a means of survival; it gives the person a sense of security and safety in an otherwise chaotic and dangerous world. The bond can be difficult to break because it is based on fear—the fear of what will happen if the person leaves their abuser!
For example, if we’ve been in an abusive relationship, we may stay because we’re hoping things will get better. Or, if we’ve been betrayed by a friend, we may continue to try to repair the friendship because we don’t want to believe that anyone could be so mean. In essence, we become attached to the very people who are causing us pain.
While the bond is usually formed between an abuser and their victim, it can also occur in other types of relationships where there is a power imbalance. At work, where a boss might make the employee feel they are not “up to their level” and thus “deserves to be treated poorly” at a public school, corporate or government agency is something many of us have experienced. That feeling of being “expendable” and not worthy is something we see in today’s news, even – look at what happened with Twitter recently!
The bond gives the victim a sense of security in an otherwise chaotic and dangerous world. It can be difficult to break because it is based on fear—the fear of what will happen if the victim leaves their abuser.
Breaking a trauma bond can be a difficult and lengthy process. It requires the help of a qualified therapist to assist the person in exploring the origins of their bond, as well as its effects on their current relationships. With time and patience, however, it is possible to break free from the grip of a trauma bond and build healthier, more supportive relationships.
Why Does Trauma Bonding Happen?
There are a number of reasons why people might find themselves trauma bonded to someone who isn’t good for them. Here are some of the most common reasons:
-We grew up in a chaotic or abusive home and this feels familiar to us.
-We tend to attract partners who are similar to our parents (even if we’re trying not to).
-We’re afraid of being alone and think that any relationship is better than no relationship.
-We have low self-esteem and don’t believe we deserve anything better.
-We’re looking for someone who will rescue us from our current situation.
-We believe that if we just love the other person enough, they will change.
-We think that “this time will be different” and things will work out this time around.
-We feel like we owe the other person something because they’ve done something for us in the past.
Why Is It So Hard to Break Free?
Once a trauma bond has formed, it can be very difficult to break free from the abusive relationship. The bond creates a sense of loyalty and obligation towards the abuser, despite the abuse. Victims may feel like they need to stay in the relationship to protect their abuser or because they believe the abuser will change their ways.
Trauma bonding can be difficult to break because it’s such an ingrained pattern in our lives. We may not even be aware that we’re doing it! Add to this, it can be addicting for the victim to get a rare reward from the abuser when they actually are nice. This creates a slot-machine effect where the victim looks in anticipation to the idea that they might be treated as being worthy. This trauma cycle can and often does become addicting – especially as these intermittent rewards recreates these childhood patterns.
How to Break Free from Trauma Bonding
If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, there are a few things you can do to break free from the cycle of trauma bonding:
1) Seek professional help. A therapist can help you understand your patterns and learn how to break free from them.
2) Spend time with positive people who make you feel good about yourself. These people can provide much-needed support and remind you of your worthiness.
3) Set boundaries with the person you’re trauma bonded to. This may mean limiting or ending contact altogether. Remember, you don’t owe anyone your time or energy—especially if they’re not good for you!
4) Practice self-care. Taking care of yourself is crucial when trying to break free from a toxic situation. Make sure you’re getting enough rest, eating well, and exercising regularly.
There is Hope
If you find yourself repeatedly drawn into unhealthy or abusive relationships, you may be suffering from trauma bonding. Remember: this type of bond is created as a means of survival; it gives you a sense of security in an otherwise chaotic and dangerous world. However, breaking free from the grip of a trauma bond is possible with help from a qualified therapist. With time and patience, you can break free from your past and build more loving, and more supportive relationships in your future.
Kerry Heffelfinger is the co-founder of Sunflower Counseling in Missoula with his wife, Marie Pettit, LCPC. He and his wife created Sunflower together to help people get better counseling in their lives. With their team of therapists they have helped thousands of families in Montana by getting people the counseling they need. Before this, Kerry ran Highwood Music where he taught 80 students in classes how to play classical piano and guitar. He graduated from UM with a Master’s in Education.