Any time I write about parenting, I feel the need to clarify that I’m by no means an expert on the topic. I’m a long-time meditator and student of philosophy and religion. I’ve managed to earn a Ph.D. in religious ethics and teach religious studies, philosophy, and ethics at a handful of colleges and universities around the world. But when it comes to parenting, I’m very much a novice and off to a late start in life.
Nonetheless, I do think the voluminous body of work on happiness that I have studied can help. That work has ranged from ancient Greece and Rome to India and China, as well as early modern German thought and some forays into contemporary Positive Psychology and thought leaders such as the Dalai Lama.
What draws these many great people and traditions together is a trust in universal, or at least widely-held, traits and capacities among people. All beings wish to be happy is a fundamental tenant of Buddhism. All rational beings are worthy of respect is a teaching of Immanuel Kant.
Throughout time and across traditions, a few common ideas have been suggested toward bringing up happy people, large and small.
Be Kind
Nearly every religious and philosophical tradition has some form of the “Golden Rule:” do unto others as you would have done unto you. The greatest expression of this is in helping others.
As many of us notice in our lives, when we are sad or depressed, our thoughts and feelings tend to turn inward. Helping others sends us emotionally in the opposite direction. We are letting go of “me” and building a “we” mentality. Suddenly, our own problems feel smaller and we see how capable we are at bringing joy to others.
That joy seems to reflect back and we cannot help but feel better. The more we do this, the more automatic it becomes. In many countries, families get this habit started very early in children by giving them chores. These are not a form of punishment, but a way of including the child in the day-to-day maintenance of the house. It has been observed that children in these countries grow up to be more helpful around the house and beyond.
We in America tend to focus far too much on personal autonomy even at a young age. Kids like to be given jobs. They like to be part of things. Include them as early and often as possible. Before long, they’ll happily be doing dishes, assisting in cooking, and much more.
Growing with Challenges
One of the things I’ve found amazing about having a toddler is that they are very much like adults in many ways. Perhaps a bit like drunk adults a lot of the time, though. They have complete ideas and desires, but it’s sometimes hard for them to execute them as they wish.
My daughter has trouble with certain consonants when she speaks. She can say any given consonant on its own just fine, but combinations cause problems. So “spoon” just comes out as “poon,” and so on. We can often guess what she is talking about from context, but sometimes not. This can be very frustrating for her and us. But we’ve taught her to slow down and sound out the word. If that doesn’t work, we ask her to describe it. Almost always, we figure it out together and can move on.
This process of trying again, slowing down, and moving around an obstacle can help solve so many of the problems we face in life.
As she grows, she wants to do more and more by herself. We totally encourage this. In fact, there are times when her phrase, “I do it all by myself” begins to echo in our heads. Sometimes it terrifies me: like when she crawls into her stroller, up over the bar that would be in front of her when she sits, or into an out of the car, perched precariously on the seat leaning out over the concrete below. I stay close, at my ready to (hopefully) catch her should she slip. But I know that she takes joy in overcoming obstacles, so I give her space to do so.
Deep Breaths and Ice Cream
Finally, teaching our kiddo the art of pausing has been immensely helpful. In difficult times, she knows this simple act of taking a breath or two can restore equilibrium. Admittedly, she sometimes shouts back at me, “I don’t want to take a deep breath!” when things are going really bad.
Just last week, my daughter woke up from her nap in dismay. My wife had gone in to comfort her and then I followed. When I got in, my daughter shouted, “daddy go awaayyyyy” in an anguished, angry, toddler yell. Dutifully, I did so. But I listened to my wife trying to comfort her and tried again myself, only to be kicked out once again.
A moment later, I got an idea. I’d return with a pint of ice cream and a spoon. Still crying and incapable of soothing herself or being soothed by my wife or me, my daughters eyes lit up. I asked her if she thought a little ice cream would help. She took a deep breath and almost whimpered, “yeah, I think so.”
I wound up giving her 4 or 5 small bites before she said, “that’s enough,” as my wife and I smiled at one another. Then she calmly got out of bed as if the whole episode had never happened.
Justin Whitaker, Ph.D., holds a doctorate in Buddhist ethics from the University of London. He has given lectures, and taught Buddhist studies and Philosophy at Oxford University, the University of Hong Kong, the University of Montana, and at Antioch University’s intensive study-abroad program in India. A certified meditation teacher, he is a regular contributor to Patheos.com, and Senior Correspondent for Buddhistdoor Global. Justin is the official blog writer for Sunflower Counseling in Missoula, Butte, Kalispell, Billings, and surrounding areas. He lives in Missoula with his family.