Most of us have experienced our parents’ protective instincts toward us. However, not every parent’s concern for their child’s safety is healthy. When it goes beyond moderation, it can become an obsession, making them push us to fulfill their own unfulfilled aspirations, or create a house atmosphere where we live in fear, and end up becoming their emotional crutches. Two such terms often used in psychology to describe such parents are “devouring mothers” and “devouring fathers.”
In the realm of therapy and psychology, “the devouring father” or “mother” are archetypes that represent a destructive or overbearing parental figure, typically a parent or parent-like figure, who stifles the growth, independence, and development of their child. This term is derived from mythological and psychological symbolism where a powerful figure “devours” or consumes the life force or potential of others.
The concept of the devouring father or mother can be found in the works of Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and the founder of analytical psychology. Jung explored archetypes, which are universal symbols and themes that are present in the collective unconscious, and the devouring father and mother fall under this category.
A devouring father or mother may manifest in various ways, including but not limited to:
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Overprotection: The parent may be excessively controlling and protective, inhibiting the child’s ability to explore the world, take risks, and develop a sense of autonomy.
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Emotional manipulation: The parent may use guilt, shame, or fear to maintain control over the child, which can lead to emotional instability or difficulty forming healthy relationships in the future.
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Narcissism: The parent may prioritize their own needs, desires, or ego above the needs of the child, causing the child to feel invalidated, unloved, or unseen.
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Enmeshment: The parent may have poor boundaries and be overly involved in the child’s life, making it difficult for the child to establish their own identity or maintain a sense of self.
In therapy, clients may explore their experiences with a devouring father or mother in order to gain insight into the impact of these relationships on their emotional development, attachment style, and interpersonal patterns. Addressing and working through these experiences can help individuals heal and develop healthier relationships within themselves and how they relate to others.
Devouring Parents
To put it another way, devouring parents are those who engulf their children’s lives and identities, to the point where the children’s developmental needs are ignored. Devouring mothers, particularly, are characterized by over-nurturing, smothering, overly protective, and possessive behaviors. They usually have a childlike dependence on their children, which makes it difficult for their offspring to develop autonomy and establish their own identity. Examples of such mothers in history are Queen Victoria, who had an obsessively close relationship with her children or Isadora Duncan, who was so engulfed and consumed by her artistic talent and passion that her children’s needs were neglected for the most part.
I’m reminded of my friend, Josh, growing up. We had an elementary school which was right up the street from us. His mom wouldn’t let him walk to the school like the rest of us kids. We all thought this was over-protective. Add to this, she didn’t let him choose his own clothes he wanted to wear for school. He could only wear a particular “type” of outfit – which was with a literal bowtie. I feel like this was the tip of the iceberg.
On the other hand, devouring fathers are described as ruthless, authoritarian, controlling, and domineering. They may have high expectations for their children in terms of success, academic achievements, and life choices overall. However, if their children don’t fulfill these expectations, they might end up resorting to threatening, scaring, and even punishing them. Historical figures such as King Henry VIII, who was notorious for his tyrannical temper, are examples of such fathers.
Other fathers who exhibit these characteristics include Joe Jackson and Atticus Finch. Joe Jackson, father of Michael Jackson, controlled his son’s life, and physically and emotionally abused him. Atticus Finch, from “To Kill a Mockingbird”, was described as someone who had an idealistic vision of what his children should be, imposing on his children’s identity what he perceived as “good” or “right.”
Sometimes the fathers or mothers seem to literally “devour” the child because of the way they hover over them! You’ve heard of “helicopter parents”. Remember Josh, who I was telling you about? Well his father was devouring in-his-own-right as well. He would hang up pictures of women in bikinis in little 10 year old Josh’s room – sort of to prove Josh’s masculinity type of thing. He gave him swords and whips and all kinds of weaponry. Part of me wondered why Josh couldn’t just use all those weapons to make sure he survived the walk to school!
Devouring Parents in Media
Interestingly, contemporary entertainment has provided us with several examples of persons who might fit this definition of parenting. A good example of a mother who might display devouring behavior is the character of Norman Bates’ mother from the movie Psycho. Her excessively possessive and controlling personality had driven Norman to a state of psychosis. Similarly, Jack Torrance from the Shining, can be viewed as an example of a father who consumed his child’s life, and in this case, eventually that of his family as well.
These are of course extreme examples, but they get the point across! As such, it’s important to recognize such characteristics in fictional characters as they allow us to better discuss and understand these traits in real people.
(Oh! What about that “mother” in “Tangled”, too…?)
Devouring Mothers and Fathers in Contemporary Society
We all observe how these cases can range from the classic “stage parents” in the entertainment industry, who push their children beyond what is healthy or acceptable, to controlling parents who monitor every movement their child makes.
In contemporary society, some well-known figures seem to exhibit some of these qualities to varying degrees. One such figure is Kris Jenner, the mother of Kim Kardashian. Many have speculated that Kris Jenner is an example of a devouring mother, given her close grip on her daughter’s careers, friendships, and personal lives.
Or how about Britney Spears’s father, who locked up her bank account? We seem to hear about it all the time in the media, don’t we?
What does this mean?
Devouring parents may not always mean to cause harm to their children, but it’s important to recognize that their behavior can have a damaging psychological impact. Understanding the nuances of “devouring mothers” and “devouring fathers” can help us detect the symptoms in our upbringing and in the relationships of others. Once identified, we can seek help, develop coping mechanisms, and work towards healing the trauma of a life lived under the shadow of such parents.
John Michaels, a Missoula native and author, has been captivating readers with his writing for years. A graduate of Brown University’s esteemed creative writing program, Michaels has spent the majority of his career crafting stories that resonate with his readers and capture the essence of the human experience. Despite the demands of raising children, Michaels has continued to pursue his passions, finding solace in the bustling downtown Missoula scene. There, he spends his free time honing his craft, whether it be working on screenplays, playing music, or dedicating himself to his work at Sunflower Counseling, MT.